the past few weeks

... have been hell.

To summarise. Because let's face it, if I don't summarise, we will be here until the end of time.

I was off work for a week, two weeks ago, with sick and diarrhoea. I also had a fever and spent the majority of the week in bed. I went back to work a week later and had the worst week ever. Upon my return to work I found out my ex boyfriend (we named him Dick) was now engaged to the girl he got with after we got together (or so he says) and that there was talk of her being pregnant. Now, the pregnant thing never seemed to evolve from anything more than a rumour, however, the engagement was genuine and the only reason it got to me was that it was clear, to both me and others, that he must have been having a relationship with her during the time we where still together (which was suspected all along). I mean seriously, who gets engaged after 4 weeks? So, that got me a bit pissed off and the fact that for a time I thought she may be pregnant was a kick in the dick. But she's not, as far as I know, so whatever. So, work was dead, I was miserable, only way to cure it...? Get pissed. That, my friends, was the fun part! I spent the night with ingie<3 and I drunk a bottle of wine which went straight to my head and it felt great. I really let me hair down!

So, the next day I met up with my best friend and we went for coffee and tried on wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses. It was fun and I was in a really good mood. A better mood than I had been in for many, many months. Some may say this was due to the fact I had previously decided to self medicate, others may not. Either way I felt good. So good in fact that I went and got my tongue pierced.

In hindsight, this wasn't me in a good mood, this was me deciding not to take my pills any more and thinking I was fine without them. As you read on you will see why I am to go back onto them next week.

So, tongue pierced and smiley faced I returned to work. Work was dead but it didn't bother me too much as I had my tongue pierced and could freak out my colleagues with it.

A few days later I was due to go clubbing with my friends and ingie<3 however, I had split my tongue quite bad and I was in a lot of pain with it. It was deep and sore and the healing process was taking much longer than anticipated. I decided I would go out with my friends but wouldn't drink any alcohol and would only stay out for a few hours.

When telling them this one friend replied, "Well it will be easier if you don't come because (Dick) is coming out."

That I thought was a nice message.

From here things have gone down hill.

My best friend and I had a massive fight and I cried for days. We have kind of made friends but things feel weird and will never be the same again.

Other friends I have lost and I feel like I am an emotional wreck.

I am off work again as I have once again got sick and diarrhoea and there is now blood in it and it has panicked me. It is probably all due to stress and my lack of medication. But I do not like the person I am when on those pills, however, I don't like being this person off my pills either.

I need to see a psychiatrist. Or buy a gun.

whatireallyneedistoleavethiscountrytoday<3

Blah

Why                                                                                     straight
                             nothing      
                 is                                                                                 life
                                                                 in                

forward?

a quick post

Think of it as a synopsis for my blog I will write quite soon.

Briefly, I have... spent the week with my boyfriend. Slept on him every night. (That was my favourite part!)

Got drunk and most probably made a fool of  myself. Ah well.

Got my tongue pierced. And when it is fully healed I shall write a piercing diary, as I have done with old xanga and lj accounts.

Oh and fallen out with a friend. Because of the ex.

All in all, weird week. Ups and downs.

Split my tongue (ouch) lots of pain.

But the best part was sleeping on him.

Ingieiloveyou<3

an unexpected rant!

I am fed up of hearing scum bags in my street fighting.

I am tired of scum bags in general.

I am tired of Wigan.

Sick of England.

...I am sick of playing worker bee to some idiot retailer who needs me for their doings.

Sick of saying "Yes sir" and "No madam I understand, it is entirely my fault." to two bit idiot customers who abuse me because of the fact that I hold a company brand to my chest with my name etched across the front.

"You work for them so you are them. I will give you shit you don't deserve because I'm a fucking idiot customer who waits for nothing and agrees with no one."

"The customer is always right" The customer is always right my fucking arse!

The customer is always a dick head.

You can work all day every day with a million nice people and the one you remember is the one that gave you shit one Tuesday afternoon and who's turned your good day bad and put you in a foul mood for the rest of the day.

Ohhh and it's not just the customers you have to watch out for. It's the two faced colleagues who call themselves friends. Who are nice to our faces and ruthless behind our backs. Who will be your best friend for a piece of your mind and whatever you confide in them with they spill it to another and make you seem like the cunt all the customers make you out to be.

And the managers. The ones not much older than you who patronise you and treat you like a child even though they are pretty much the same age and have been in retail just as long as you. It's just that your redundancy meant that you had to go back into a company as a skivvy whereas they never had a hard time of it in their company and are now at the level you were before you got fucked over and so they just assume that you are a complete fucktard and that you don't have a clue what you are doing so they patronise the shit out of you. And you just think, "Fuck it. Get on with it. Anything for a fucking easy life. Don't let this cunt get you down. When they make a mistake and try to pin it on you, remember, you can fight back. Because you know more than they do, you just pretend not to..."

I hate England.

I hate my job.

I HATE  being ill.

And I miss my boyfriend like a smack head misses heroin!

idontwanttogobacktoworktomorrow<3

Oh and by the way. When I started writing, I never expected all that to come out. It's amazing what your brain thinks when you've been ill and in bed with fuck all to do for a couple of days!

And apologies for the punctuation. It's not necessary in a rant!

close to the edge, no more.

I get so scared. I get so, so scared. Of what will happen to us. Of where we will end up. Not in a travelling sense. In an emotional sense. It scares me.

He opened up to me last night. More than anyone has ever opened up to me before. More than even I have ever opened up to anyone ever before! He was so brave. He is so brave. So amazing!

All those things he feel that make him hurt and make him down. I want to be the one to fix those. I want to be the one to stop that pain. I want to hold his hand and make everything all right for him. No more bad feelings, no more hurt, no more regret. I want to make him smile every day. I love seeing his smile. He has the most beautiful smile!

He is so complex. He may not think he is, but he is. He is a very deep emotional person and he has a whole lot of heart. A whole lot! He has a conscience, which is more than can be said about many of the people in the world today. And he has dreams and desires. Some of which I hope and pray that I can help him achieve.

We had the biggest heart to heart last night. I don't know if he felt that way but I did. I just wish I could open up to him. Tell him all my secrets. I don't want to keep anything from him. My past is what has shaped me, made me who I am today. And I dunno, maybe if I told him some of that, he wouldn't feel so awkward about his own feelings. I know it was hard for him last night to say what he did. And it was a huge step in our relationship for him to tell me something so private and personal. But he gives himself such a hard time for it and its my responsibility, as his girlfriend and his best friend to turn those hurtful feelings, those regrets, into something positive. Whether it be an action or a decision.

To me, it comes across as, and this is going to sound pretty damn awful, but it comes across as though he has lived such a restrained life. Having a rough time of things. He doesn't seem to have ever been able to let go. He has tried, some may say, in the wrong way, to let go. But he is an active person. A creative and imaginative being, like myself. And a mediocre life is not what those like us need. We need excitement and adventure, fun and spontaneity and he seems never to have experience these things. Never to have been given the opportunity to experience these things. And I feel that because of such restraints in his life he has given himself an undeserved bad time for it all.

His ex girlfriend sounds like the worst person in the world. And I am not just saying that because she is his ex. But the things she seemed to do. Demanding, controlling, disloyal. She never deserved to be with him for as long as they were. From the stories he tells me he sounded trapped. it seems like all the fun and excitement, all the personality he contains, was confined deep inside him. Like she drained his enjoyment of life. It sounds to me like he is just starting to find himself. And I hope that I can help him through his discovery. As I adore the person whom I sleep next to almost every night. Whom I think about every day. Who pops into my mind at the most random of times. And continues to make me smile, even when he isn't even there. I know there were probably as many good as bad with his ex. But to me, it still feels as if he hasn't properly lived yet and I truly hope, one day, I can make him feel as alive as I feel, with him.

I like to think that I can be quite spontaneous. I know my life has become a bore and to be completely honest if it wasn't for <3Ingie I don't think I would be around right now. Not with having such a boring mediocre life. Don't get me wrong, many would dream of a life like mine, im sure. A nice house, a decent job. But not me. I don't want something easy and boring. I want a challenge, an experience. I want to be able to turn around when I am the age my mother is now and say, "I have had the best few years of my life!" and I want to say that, with him. To our children, in our random little farm house in the middle of a beautiful Japanese mountain. Sat on a sofa, with a cat on our knee...

I am a dreamer. I know that. But one can dream and one can go out and aim high to get those dreams. I just hope, that now I've found true love. I can build on both of our dreams together. And that neither of us will feel as close to the edge as we once did. Ever again!