I get so scared. I get so, so scared. Of what will happen to us. Of where we will end up. Not in a travelling sense. In an emotional sense. It scares me.
He opened up to me last night. More than anyone has ever opened up to me before. More than even I have ever opened up to anyone ever before! He was so brave. He is so brave. So amazing!
All those things he feel that make him hurt and make him down. I want to be the one to fix those. I want to be the one to stop that pain. I want to hold his hand and make everything all right for him. No more bad feelings, no more hurt, no more regret. I want to make him smile every day. I love seeing his smile. He has the most beautiful smile!
He is so complex. He may not think he is, but he is. He is a very deep emotional person and he has a whole lot of heart. A whole lot! He has a conscience, which is more than can be said about many of the people in the world today. And he has dreams and desires. Some of which I hope and pray that I can help him achieve.
We had the biggest heart to heart last night. I don't know if he felt that way but I did. I just wish I could open up to him. Tell him all my secrets. I don't want to keep anything from him. My past is what has shaped me, made me who I am today. And I dunno, maybe if I told him some of that, he wouldn't feel so awkward about his own feelings. I know it was hard for him last night to say what he did. And it was a huge step in our relationship for him to tell me something so private and personal. But he gives himself such a hard time for it and its my responsibility, as his girlfriend and his best friend to turn those hurtful feelings, those regrets, into something positive. Whether it be an action or a decision.
To me, it comes across as, and this is going to sound pretty damn awful, but it comes across as though he has lived such a restrained life. Having a rough time of things. He doesn't seem to have ever been able to let go. He has tried, some may say, in the wrong way, to let go. But he is an active person. A creative and imaginative being, like myself. And a mediocre life is not what those like us need. We need excitement and adventure, fun and spontaneity and he seems never to have experience these things. Never to have been given the opportunity to experience these things. And I feel that because of such restraints in his life he has given himself an undeserved bad time for it all.
His ex girlfriend sounds like the worst person in the world. And I am not just saying that because she is his ex. But the things she seemed to do. Demanding, controlling, disloyal. She never deserved to be with him for as long as they were. From the stories he tells me he sounded trapped. it seems like all the fun and excitement, all the personality he contains, was confined deep inside him. Like she drained his enjoyment of life. It sounds to me like he is just starting to find himself. And I hope that I can help him through his discovery. As I adore the person whom I sleep next to almost every night. Whom I think about every day. Who pops into my mind at the most random of times. And continues to make me smile, even when he isn't even there. I know there were probably as many good as bad with his ex. But to me, it still feels as if he hasn't properly lived yet and I truly hope, one day, I can make him feel as alive as I feel, with him.
I like to think that I can be quite spontaneous. I know my life has become a bore and to be completely honest if it wasn't for <3Ingie I don't think I would be around right now. Not with having such a boring mediocre life. Don't get me wrong, many would dream of a life like mine, im sure. A nice house, a decent job. But not me. I don't want something easy and boring. I want a challenge, an experience. I want to be able to turn around when I am the age my mother is now and say, "I have had the best few years of my life!" and I want to say that, with him. To our children, in our random little farm house in the middle of a beautiful Japanese mountain. Sat on a sofa, with a cat on our knee...
I am a dreamer. I know that. But one can dream and one can go out and aim high to get those dreams. I just hope, that now I've found true love. I can build on both of our dreams together. And that neither of us will feel as close to the edge as we once did. Ever again!
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