Her, and Him.

I have been thinking about my lost friend a lot recently. She meant a great deal to me. She often pops into my head, no reason, she just appears. I try and try to find her but to no avail. I miss her.

Sometimes I think I may have made her up. She seems so real in my mind when she appears. No reason to be in there. Yet when I search, all I find are old pages and long-dead websites, containing just a name.
It makes me think she may never have existed to begin with.

I wish I could see her, just one last time. To tell her how I am, and how much I miss her. She was everything to me. My perfect friend. Now she is just a memory and a night spent searching page upon page of hidden names and private profiles. I want to tell her all about him. About who he is and how he makes me feel. I want to hear her talk of stories past, and to advise on what I am to do.

She would love him. I just know it.
She would see in him exactly what I see.
What he doesn't see.
But should.
She would adore him and she would be so happy that I have met him.

I miss her so much!

I know why I have thought about her so much of late. I just get too afraid to admit it; She was my world, for a little while. She was my sister, my best friend and my love. I felt for her what I had felt for no other, up until this point. And thought I would never feel this much for anyone ever again. She wasn't my lover. I am not sexually oriented in that way. But she was something more than just a friend. I adored her. She, to me, was perfection. And in return, to her, I was the same. That short time that we were together seemed to last for all eternity. I never thought I'd lose her.

She is in my mind because of my emotions at this time. The way I felt for her, I feel now. Yet stronger. More... Powerful. And I am so afraid! I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but deep down I know she is no longer here. I don't know why. I just don't think she walks our earth any more. I lost her and I never got to say goodbye. I am just terrified that something will take him away from me. I was so lost without her. She knew everything about me, there was not one thing she didn't know. I want to be this way with him. To be completely open. I can't lose him. It would destroy me. I felt something for her that I had never felt. And this feeling, which I now have for him, has been magnified a billion times over.
And I cannot lose him.
I am so afraid.

x